Well thank you, good people of the internet, for your kind response to the Four Seasons Cowl. There seem to have been some techie glitches with the blog that may have prevented access at times, so I did what any right-minded IT-whizz* would do, and swore with creative abandon, drank too much wine, then hit the internet quite hard with a hammer.** It appears to have worked. So hopefully you can read this post. If you can’t, let me know. Oh… um… wait… [Sound of mental cogs grinding very, very, slowly.] Here’s the cowl, just in case you missed it:-
In the comments on the last post, Victoria requested a crochet version of the pattern, so I’m working on that, because I’m a sucker for a suggestion. Please nobody suggest a quarter-scale replica of the Giza pyramids knitted in laceweight mohair because I’ll be powerless to resist.
Anyway. This is going to be one of those posts that’s mostly illustrated with pictures unrelated to its content because the subject of the text is some way short of photogenic.
Truth be told, there’s been something else occupying my attention for the past six weeks or so. The following story has a happy ending, so DON’T PANIC, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED WHATSOEVER TO BE NICE TO ME. Phew, thank goodness for that. I wouldn’t want to be nice to me, either.
Medium-term readers will know that I had breast cancer in 2020. Cue surgery, radiotherapy, Tamoxifen, and reduction-of-the-other-boob surgery so that I wouldn’t lopsidedly trace circles every time I went for a run. Apologies to those of you who’ve read that joke a dozen times before, but my humour-generator has got stuck on repeat like an ageing CD-player.
Thanks to the skill of the oncologists, surgeons, admin folk, nurses, radiographers, and healthcare assistants at the Churchill Hospital in Oxford, I am still here to OMG RUIN MY SONS’ LIVES LOL BY ASKING WHETHER THEY COULD MAYBE SOMETIMES TAKE THEIR USED PLATES DOWN TO THE KITCHEN WITHOUT BEING TOLD FIFTEEN TIMES, YEAH?
But I was called back after my latest annual mammogram because there was a problem. Cue another mammogram (honestly they’re no big deal, just in case you’re wary of having one – just do it), and an ultrasound (easy-peasy) and then a vacuum-assisted biopsy under mammogram (not gonna lie, that one was ouchy, but of course very much worth it, and the four staff who conducted it were compassion personified), and finally a tiny metallic marker was placed inside my boob to guide surgeons to the exact location of the problem. A consultant radiographer confirmed that there was something problematic brewing, which was either more cancer or a phenomenon called radial scarring that would also need surgical attention.
Whilst I waited for the results, I got my head round the idea that I was likely going to step back on to the cancer rollercoaster. I could do this. I would do this. I’ve done this before. I decided that this time, I’d request a double mastectomy because quite frankly my boobs have had their chance and a two-strikes-and-you’re-out policy feels appropriate at this point. To be blunt, the twinnage (aged twelve) need a mother more than I need boobs. The process might be complex but the decision felt simple.
But when the test results came, they were better than I’d dared hope. No cancer: wa-hey! But also, no suggestion that any radial scarring needed scooping out under general anaesthetic. Strange and unexpected, but good.
Of course I’m pleased. But it also felt… like a jolting shift of gear that needed several days’-worth of adjustment. In 2020, the cancer ‘thing’ became a sizeable chunk of my identity for a while. Then – thankfully – the situation reversed and I watched the cancer thing recede into the distance in my rear-view mirror whilst other aspects of identity (psychologist, knit-designer, runner, food-grower, weirdo) resurged. B-bye, you life-disrupting mutant cellular freak! I didn’t expect the cancer to return, if only because my mother – who had the same cancer at a similar age with similar treatment and is thus my cancer role model – remains cancer-free in her late seventies. But when it seemed as though I might be facing relapse, I hid away for a few days to get used to the idea, then started frequenting cancer discussion forums that I hadn’t browsed for years. I was preparing to adopt the cancer identity again. And when the good news came through, I needed a moment to adjust. And adjust, I gladly did. This time I got lucky. Thank you, universe.
- <- That’s supposed to be a single asterisk. Thus further proving that I’m so not an IT-whizz. So so SO not. To the extent that I feel smug pride just for using ctrl-c ctrl-v.
** Actually I consulted my wise friend A, who kindly helped. But I did swear copiously in the meantime, which is probably what solved the problem, really.
So pleased after the investigation that it turned out alright. At least with cancer they do do a lot of monitoring.
And on a pleasanter note. I was amused that you are now trying to make a crochet version of your cowl. I know how other peoples request can be seductive.
Really really pleased all is well 👍
Thank you, Wheelybad.
Thank you Jane. I really should try not to read suggestions, but I can’t help myself!
Phew!
Yup, that pretty much sums it up!
So relieved for you that all was well.
Thank you. Seriously, thank you. 🙂
Party, really, party. Because that is the best outcome ever. Because the twinnige most definitely need a mom. I love the pumpkins, squash and other gorgeous decoration. 8 Kg would be weeks of soup and curry here. And a crocheted cowl pattern <3 The kitties are so cute <3
Aww, thank you for every single word – no, every single LETTER – of this.
Sorry to hear you had another scare, but very glad it was ok! The people at Churchill hospital are great aren’t they ☺️ I always love reading your posts!
Yup, there are many skilled/compassionate/clever/caring people working at the Churchill. (I hope that you don’t have too tough a reason for knowing this…) But thank you.
well hurrah! cancer given a sock on the nose, loads of grapes and squash and soon a crochet cowl. life is good.
I don’t want knitted Pyramids but maybe you could use that lace-weight mohair to crochet some cute camels. best wishes Patricia
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, please don’t start giving me yarny ideas! Camels, you say…
But thank you for the generosity in your comment.
Thankfully, you will be around for a long time to deliver a slice of craziness to my inbox. Wait! You aren’t running out are you? Your cowls are the envy of a mere crafty-type mortals and your harvest is a beautiful as it is yummy.
My computer issues are with this blog. For months I have been unable to see comments posted on this page. Wine and a hammer would only result in an aching head and bruised fingers. My computer guru who occasionally admits to being my youngest son rolled his eyes when I tried to explain the problem. Eventually he will fit me into his schedule, after he brings out his dirty dishes, his weekly bag of empty junk food boxes and his latest 3-D printing project is done. He thinks I do things just to annoy him, too.
Hugs and further well wishes for your continued good health. Teresa from Michigan
Eek, Teresa aka very long-time reader here. I’m sorry, I don’t have any wisdom to throw at your techie issue here. Um. Err. No I’m sorry, I really don’t know what to suggest. Your guru definitely-not-youngest-son sounds awesome, by the way. And hugs to you too.
The WordPress people finally took pity on me and allowed the comments to magically appear in my inbox. All 50 some and counting.
Oh! Strange. But good, I hope?!
So glad you escaped, Phil! Stay well!! It looks like you are having a lovely autumn. Hello from sunny Ontario, Canada, where the Indian summer is bringing us summer temperatures (28 today) and I’m still loving my swims in Lake Ontario. In fall (unlike summer, when nice seems a given), every day seems like a gift. Let’s make the most out of every day! Monika
Hi Monika, and oh that sounds like heaven! (I spent three blissful months in Canada – mostly Ontario – in 1993 and I’ll never forget the wonderful experience.) Keep swimming. Px
Again, so interesting how the mind works. We deal with “things” as best we are able. Knitting seems to satisfy certain “circuitry” in the brain, for which I’m thankful, except when my hands say”too much”! And hope recovery doesn’t take too long while reading about other’s journey through “life”.
Akso, theres the consumption of squash in its many forms to consider. Those are beautiful & should be the inspiration for your next knitting project, whatever form that takes. Not everyone is gifted to crochet just because the hook is there.
Hi Carol, I’m smiling and nodding as I read your lovely comment. You’re right. And I fear that I may be distracted by the need to create a squash-related knitting project…
That is the most msrvelous of news! Next, the universe will do some weird magic and the twinage will actually bring their dishes to the kitchen in a somewhat regular basis.
Ha, steady, let’s not be TOO ambitious….
I’m so relieved and happy for you. Love all your produce! I’m amazed at all you accomplish.❤️
Thank you, thank you, and also thank you. May all be well with you too.
It’s a joy to read your blog. Waiting is anxious. My sister just got diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and she’s waiting for one more scan to see if anything else has been affected. And then of course her journey starts. I’m so glad this time your result was a good one this time. Also I’ll be waiting for that crochet interpretation also.
May your sister get the very best possible care and treatment, and soon be in a position to put this stupid breast cancer thing well behind her.
Congratulations and your squash bounty is fabulous!
Thank you and also thank you!
I am so glad you gave us the news that a happy ending would be found in this post; I could feel my anxiety ticking up as I read about your recent medical journey. I’m very relieved for you. And on an unrelated topic, two weeks ago we adopted a 12 week old black kitten who is now named Leonard. The only thing better than one black cat is two black cats, so lucky you!
Oh gosh thank you for every word of this. HUGE congratulations on the adoption of Leonard. Black cats are the absolute sweetest. #NotBiasedAtAll May you and Leonard know years and years of love and cuddles.
So happy to hear that what could have been a great big mess is … nothing! Yay for nothing! What a huge relief! I am very much surprised that the birds allowed you to keep so many grapes. How unusually kind of them. Best get to them before they change their minds. The nameless kitty is adorable. I’ve always had a soft spot for black cats — they’re so pretty. Hope your October continues to be wonderful.
Thank you for every single word of this. I think that there were so many grapes that the birds simply couldn’t consume them all. Black cats are indeed utterly awesome. And may your October prove to be colourful and joyful.
Jeeeeeeeeeeeej soooo happy for you
Aww, thank you! [Grinning from ear to ear at your kindness.]
I am so incredibly happy and relieved for you that the poke-around went well and resulted in positivity. I can only imagine what you must have been going through at the time.
On a different note…. I squee’d when I saw the crochet hook in the pics! I know, I know, I should learn to knit. But I just make knots with holes and tangles. Which is why, when you get chance, I get more than a little excited when your very talented and much coveted crochet appears.
You have very attractive produce. Especially your squash. I’m very envious.
Please take it easy and enjoy this most wonderful season of the year.
Bless you xx
Spooky
Spooky, you’re roughly – prods calculator – 357% kinder than I deserve, but thank you anyway, from the bottom of my heart. I will complete this crochet pattern and put it out there.
Phew! Congratulations on a very positive outcome 🤗🤗🤗
Oh gosh yes. It’s been a l-o-n-g few weeks.
So glad to hear you’re staying with us and the twins…what a relief that must have been.
Yes, and thank you.
I am very relieved on your behalf and wish you many more years of knitting and weird humour! I am in awe of your squash and grapes. My husband is the gardener in our family but he is constantly demoralized by the heat, lack of rain and roaming deer here!
Thank you so much. But also, yikes to your horticultural challenges, especially the deer!
I am very relieved on your behalf and wish you many more years of knitting and weird humour! I am in awe of your squash and grapes. My husband is the gardener in our family but he is constantly demoralized by the heat, lack of rain and roaming deer here!
This is my third attempt at commenting. Logging in to reply is always a struggle, for some reason.
Oh yikes, I’m not sure why it’s so difficult to log in. I’m having problems with this tech too, and I’m too clueless to know what to do. Sorry… But also thank you for persisting.
So, so happy for you, Phil. We love you.
Thank you so much, and I love y’all too! *blushes*
Sending you copious blessings! May you be cancer-free forever! Thank you for the joy you bring each time I read one of your posts.
Oh gosh Gabrielle, thank you for such an incredibly generous comment. Seriously. May all be well with you, too.
So glad you’ve been given the all clear. I’m just back from chemo today with the results of a PET scan last week which shows my cancer ( stage 4 lung not breast) is receding. Makes it all worthwhile! I love your blog – you write so well and am dead jealous of the amount of fruit and veg in your garden. This year I’ve only managed a half sized Turks head squash and a few Tromboncinos. The badger ate most of the sweetcorn and tiny snails have attacked the dahlias! This is what happens when you take your eye off the ball! Keep up the good work – your knitting designs are amazing!
Oh my goodness Anne, there is so much to reply to here. Most importantly I’m sorry that you’re dealing with the cancer thing but VERY glad to read that it’s receding. Tromboncinos are utterly wonderful, so enjoy! But yikes to cheeky badgers and snails. Wildlife is great, except when it’s eating your dinner…
So glad to hear that all is well. Enjoy your boys, kittens, harvest and yarn.
I always enjoy your posts. And your designs are beautiful.
All the best, Tanya x 🤗
Thank you so much Tanya. You’re kinder than I deserve, but quite seriously thank you.
So relieved about your happy ending. May you remain cancer free for many years to come. You are such an inspiration to me and many others. Love all your produce!!
Aww, not for the first time, thank you! You’re very kind and I will try to stick around to annoy folk in person and online. May all be well with you, too.
My sister had a similar experience Phil and it actually took her longer to adjust to the idea that her Ca hadn’t made a comeback that it did when she was told it had returned (mis diagnosed). She was ready for the fight ! Anyway she is still bossing me about 30 yrs on, she is a very bossy younger sister! Wouldn’t have her any other way but don’t whatever you do that I said that. Onwards and Upwards Phil!!
How you make me laugh, love your ramblings.
Yikes, misdiagnosis really doesn’t sound great. But yes, I understand your sister’s perspective, I really do, however much none of us ever wants to have cancer. Very glad that she’s still around, despite the bossing! And thank you, your words are pure generosity.
Congratulations on putting cancer in its place – far away from you! I am glad someone else asked you for the design for the cowls to crochet – I wanted to ask you, but felt a bit shy 🙂
Oh goodness, please don’t EVER be shy around here. I forbid it! Right, I’d better put this laptop down and get on with the crocheted cowl…
Swearing — at inanimate objects, technology, the ethers — sometimes it is just the appropriate response!! I’m so happy to hear your good news! Now all those other spectacular identities can get their time to shine!
Completely agree about the swearing. But also thank you for such a kind-hearted comment.
It’s wildly perfect that your post celebrating Not-Cancer is accompanied by squash-abundance and an anonymous cat. Yay! Life!
It’s wildly perfect that your post celebrating Not-Cancer is accompanied by new knits, squash-abundance and an anonymous cat. Yay! Life!
And yay you for such a kind-hearted comment. Thank you.
So very pleased to hear all turned out well. All the best to you and the Stoic Spouse for the next 8 roller-coater years with the Twinnage!
You don’t happen to have a cake recipe for Runner Beans do you? Ours have done so well in the damp this year that I’m rapidly learning More Than Fifty Ways To Cook A Runner (Bean), but not an RB Cake, yet.
Squashes? Didn’t get round to sowing any, and I’ve seed saved. Except Two Courgette plants, which subsequently thinned themselves to one, which has produced sufficient to make 3 of your Courgette & Lime Drizzle cakes so far, as well as everything else. The cake goes down a storm with family and friends, so Thank You Very Much for developing the recipe. I mean, 2 of your 5-a-day as Cake!
And as you can see, my Tech Skilz are also pretty basic, otherwise I’d have logged in to wherever and left a comment on your blog, as I used to!
Keep up the good work,
Hi Sharon, and thank you. I’m sorry, I don’t have a runner bean cake recipe. (What a wonderful thing that would be.) And yes, this has certainly been a good year for runners. They taste nice, but there is a limit…
Bless you, Phil. And thank you for giving blogspace to the need for mental adjustment when you’ve been braced for something momentous but it doesn’t happen. Hope your brain has been able to bask in the relief now, it looks like the creative juices are flowing well again.
Thank you so much, Isabel. All is well here but I wanted to be honest about the mental processes.
Good news about the cancer/boobage thing. Also, when you want to asterisk a footnote-y thing, the computer will ALWAYS assume you are about to make a bulleted list. Hit the “undo” arrow , assuming there is one in your blogging software, and like magic! the bullet turns into an asterisk. I discovered this quite by accident several years ago.
Gosh…fancy making twinage return plates..Im even meaner…id have them doing the dishes as well!!
So glad all is well…I am so used to recalls…and biopsies…nothing nasty so far but I do have 2 markers in one boob so they know where to look…
Glad they checked you out and the big C hadn’t made a return. Did your hospital give you any information about secondary/metastatic breast cancer? As well as having your annual mammograms you should have been told to see your GP if you get any pain in your bones that doesn’t go away as breast cancer can spread to bones, liver, lungs. I’m not trying to scare you and I sincerely hope you will be one of the 70% of women that are cured. But for 30% of breast cancer women that’s not the case. The little b*ggers lurk undetected until they start to grow again. It would be great if you could use your blog to tell people about the signs to look for as although once it’s spread to the bones it becomes incurable but treatable to give a good quality of life for longer. I know about this because I’m one of those 30%, my cancer came back 4 yrs after my mastectomy. I was horrified when I learnt that 31 women die EVERY DAY from breast cancer. Look it up, the metup website or make 2nds count website has all the stats and information on signs to look out for. Keep taking the tamoxifen it improves survival rates. Wishing you all the best.
Wow! I think you explained it very well. Thank you for sharing and hugs and positive thoughts for your best outcome.
Hooray for a good result!
Your news could not be happier! You and family must be ecstatic, a joyful state of mind and body. (Thank you for taking on the new crochet project. I’d started things on my own, but will definitely await your masterpiece.)