My father-in-law is not a man to idle away his retirement years alphabetising his sock drawer or polishing the cat. In fact, he spent the first part of his ‘retirement’ (I use the word loosely) teaching part-time at the roughest school in his area, where one’s ability to teach was secondary to one’s skill in crowd-control. As a result, he became master of the withering one-liner, for when those nine-foot-tall, hormonal, teens tried giving him jip. The meanest class bully soon learned not to push their luck. They might be taller, but he was sharper.
Despite all this, it still came as a little bit of a surprise when he announced that he was off to London to take an intensive stand-up comedy course. “Are you sure?” we asked him.
He was sure.
He’s several weeks in to the course, now, and we (the Stoic Spouse, the twinnage, and I) went to Essex to stay with him last weekend. He wanted some help with his course homework whilst we were there.
Naturally, I took yarn, but you’d doubtless guessed that already.
(I’m crocheting small rounds in all the Stylecraft Special DK shades, to make colour-planning easier for future projects.)
It was pretty, in south Essex:-
Very pretty.
But however far our feet wandered, the conversation never strayed very much from the serious matter of jokes.
This week’s homework was tough. Father-in-law (hitherto known here as the Gregarious Grandfather, but I still think we need a better name for him) was tasked with writing and delivering three minutes of LOL-worthy (even ROFL-worthy) humour in the form of one-liners. Yikes. We’ve all got our different strengths, and I’d like to hope that this blog raises the occasional half-smile, but one-liners are not my forte. If you want thousand-word, rambling anecdotes about the time when my knitting got caught in the top of a famous industrialist’s favourite fig tree, with a side-reference to the curious history of commercial marmalade production, then FORM A QUEUE BECAUSE I’M YOUR WOMAN. But snappy witticisms? Sorry people, I got nothin’.
We walked and walked, we consulted books, and we consulted the wine bottle. (Remember that quote misattributed to Hemingway: ‘Write drunk, edit sober’?) None of it helped all that much.
By Sunday morning, you could see father-in-law longing for a funnier calibre of son/daughter-in-law. The twinnage tried to help in their sweet way, but at the age of seven, their home-made jokes can best be categorised as surrealist.
Still, the view was nice.
And I finished my crocheted rounds, because it’s good to have an easy task for your hands whilst your mind is hard at work.
Imagine the scene, though: three grown adults pacing the house, muttering speculatively to themselves about current affairs, and well-known phrases, indeed anything that could possibly be shoe-horned into a joke. We did come up with a few ideas, but do you realize quite how terrifyingly long three minutes actually is? I swear that entire empires have risen and fallen in less time.
When it came for my father-in-law to wave us all off on Sunday afternoon, I feared that it was with some disappointment at our comedic failings. But mere hours before he was due on stage, help came from an unexpected quarter. My brother-in-law is a quiet man, the very last person who’d ever snatch the microphone to bellow ‘Did you hear the one about…’ But it turns out that he has a hitherto secret ability to write short jokes.
So by the time that father-in-law stepped up on-stage last night, he was armed with a decent repertoire of funnies. Some of them were his, some of them were ours, but a very large proportion were thanks to brother-in-law. Want to know how it went? Well I’ve just listened to a recording of the evening, and his performance went down a storm. Phew!
I don’t yet know what this week’s homework involves. I can only hope that it’s to write a long, rambling anecdote about one’s knitting getting stuck in a famous industrialist’s tree, in which case I’ll be first in the queue to offer assistance…
How many ways,,, hhhmmmm think Robert Browning here.
well, I just love you.
OK, now I’m blushing!
You are absolutely hilarious!!
Eek, thank you! I showed a draft of this post to the Stoic Spouse, and he said “It’s OK. Not laugh-out-loud funny.” So you’ve cheered me up. 🙂
Sounds like serious fun!
It was, I admit.
Can’t believe you aren’t sharing the recording with us. Boo hiss. But many congrats to G.G….and company!
I’m not sure that father-in-law would consent to that…
You do make me laugh, keep it up – and you knit – what’s not to like!!????. I wish your f-i-l all the very best in his new ‘career’?! I’m sure he will go down a storm
Aww, thank you! (And I am hoping that this becomes my father-in-law’s next career. He’s had several.)
Great story. I have so much admiration for teachers who were quick on their feet. I taught for about 12 years at an alternative high school which took the students the regular high school wouldn’t. It was extemely rough. I was not the quick, funny sort to earn immediate admiration from the students, but did know a couple of teachers who did have that gift. Their world was so much easier.
And, BTW, you have come out with a few one-liners that made me chuckle!
So where can we all enjoy these one liners? Did I miss the link? My husband makes me laugh, and cracks up our friends from time to time… I appreciate his humor, but I am not funny myself at all. If a comic needs an audience I’m available,
Most 7 year olds I know specialise in poo and fart jokes, I’m guessing yours are perhaps the same. Probably best not to rely on them.
An amazing father-in-law. Hope there was a knitting joke included.
Well hurrah for Gregarious Grandfather, Britains Got Talent next I hope.
So it runs in the family on both sides. Good grief, climbing on a podium making swift jokes! Never. I admire him. And don’t be to shy for your own sense of humor, it’s a witty one too.
Great to hear that the Gregarious Grandfather is still up for it and putting himself out there. Go show them youngsters that the grey-haired (bald?) are by no means ready to sit around in day centres/homes/splendid isolation and can contribute nothing!
Always find your posts amusing. You have a good turn of phrase, and just because everything has to be done in 80 characters these days doesn’t mean that the longer format is irrelevant. But you know that from the size of your Readership!
Your father-in-law sounds like an amazing man!
I love your circles! What a great idea. I have a favorite line of yarn with lots of colors and when planning a design, I just pull the skeins out and lay them next to each other…. but sometimes the knitted fabric looks different from the skein. Having a little knitted square of each would make the whole process so much easier, or at least more fun.
Btw, your photos are Gorgeous!
Does the word ‘gyp’ have some different meaning in the UK? That’s a racial slur in the US!
Yes it’s an innocent word here, but THANK YOU for telling me about this, as the last thing I want is to use offensive terms. It can be spelled ‘gyp’ or ‘jip’ here, as in ‘My knee is giving me gyp/jip’, meaning ‘My knee is giving me pain.’ I’ll change my post to the ‘jip’ spelling – is that non-offensive in the US?
As I said, THANK YOU for informing me.
As an American, I have only heard the word gyp used to mean cheating. He gypped me out of 25 cents, for example. I do not know if there are other connotations.
i always enjoy the photos you post on your page … reminds me of my childhood in england… thanks so much!
regards,
daisy
Much respect to GG, comedy is a serious business and really hard work. However I am captivated by the tale of the knitting.
I am dying to know how your knitting got caught in the top of a famous industrialist’s favourite fig tree! It is too bizarre to be a figment of your imagination. Please do tell the story.
I shall form an orderly queue ????
You have a talent for putting a smile on my face! Love the Gregarious Grandfather idea – I hope more people decide to learn something new rather than just ‘settle’ in their later years. I have a good friend who is like Gregarious Grandfather – last year she escaped to Indonesia for a couple of months, joining one of her sons on his travels but mostly playing hippy for a few weeks! Now back to jokes – it made me look up Churchill quotes, not all are funny, but some are – and slightly topical as there is a newish Churchill film just out.